Weird Al interviews Kevin Federline

Super Bowl Ticket Options

We took the liberty of scouring craigslist (in Chicago, Indianapolis and Miami) for all the latest proposals. Here’s a primer on what appear to be the guiding principles if you want to land some coveted Super Bowl seats:

1. Sex sells: Doesn’t it always? One young woman calling herself “Miami bound girl” is offering what she coyly bills as “Indecent Proposal: a night with ME for SuperBowl Tickets.” (OK, that’s not really coy.) She says that she wants tickets to surprise her fiancé, and stresses that she is “not selling sex!” Then again, she adds hopefully: “Hell, if I am drunk enough … and you are cute enough … maybe we will hit it off and be romantic.” Don’t worry, fellas, there’s a picture included. The only catch is that this has to be a “secret” because her fiancé “would be upset if he knew how I got the tickets.” Don’t worry, we’ll keep this just between us.

2. Is that a ticket in my pocket, or am I just glad to see you?: While “Miami-bound girl” is willing to trade companionship for tickets, at least two gentlemen (?) are hoping to do the reverse. One sums up his situation succinctly: “Here’s the deal. I’m a 21-year-old guy that lives in Miami. I had 2 tickets and a girlfriend. Now I only have 2 tickets.” Ladies, be forewarned; he’s only looking for a “BEAUTIFUL, HOT GIRL.” On the plus side, he has no criminal record, “not even a speeding ticket.” A second fellow recently broke up with his fiancée (let’s hope it wasn’t “Miami-bound girl”!) and already has his tickets, plane tickets and hotel — but, alas, no date. He’s hoping that “another young lady” can take her place. Evidently, you’ll have to check whether he has a record on your own.

3. Selling skin: Specifically, the skin on the swollen belly of a pregnant woman for advertising purposes. Bears fan Jennifer Gordon made such an offer — but no Colts ads, please — in a craiglist ad posted on Monday with the catchy headline: “My Body for your Super Bowl tickets.” (She’s a PR manager, natch.) Gordon’s ad drew some 45 inquiries through Wednesday and was picked up by the Chicago Sun-Times. It also seems to have inspired a copycat, a woman offering a “Pregnant belly for advertising” in exchange for three (why not?) Super Bowl tickets. She says she’s willing to put an ad on her stretch-mark free, 30-week-pregnant belly because her husband and dad are huge Bears fans, though she will consider “any advertising including the Colts.” Sellout! Given these proposals, though, offers by guys to advertise on a bald head or by painting a body waist-up or even with a “permanent” tattoo might not get the desired attention.

4. Selling more skin: One unnamed chap (we assume it’s a he) is willing to trade his lifetime gold VIP membership at a Wisconsin strip club for two tickets. He claims the membership is worth $1,000 a year, though it’s unclear how many trips one has to make to reach that “value.” We recommend, though, that this gentleman also place his ad on the NFL Players Association site to reach the ideal target audience, i.e. guys who both have Super Bowl tickets and love strip clubs.

5. Old-fashioned barter: Do you need $5,000 of dental work or, perhaps, Invisalign braces for you and four friends? Would you like a cement driveway installed? Have a hankering for a professional fireworks display? How about a high-def videographer for your wedding, or a DJ for said nuptials? Need some plumbing done, or a general contractor? Selling your home? There’s not one but two offers from real-estate agents to take care of that on the arm. All you need to give in exchange for any of these freebies, of course, is a pair of Super Bowl tickets. If goods rather than services tickle your fancy, you might be interested in a 2001 Mitsibushi Galant (two tickets) or a used car or truck of your choice from a car dealer (up to $15,000 in vakue for four seats) or a new 50″ plasma HDTV (for two seats).

6. Trading on sentiment: Some hopefuls try to pull the heartstrings. This category includes “Super Bowl tickets needed for dying family member,” “I Made a Promise to My Son — Now I Need Two Super Bowl Tickets”, “Hardworking single mothers looking for Bears Superbowl Tickets” and “I Bleed Blue and White and I need a miracle.” The last chap also helpfully offers that he spends his time “rescuing and rehabilitating marine mammals and sea turtles.” (Awwww!) But does that make him any more deserving than, say, “Decent guys trying to buy tickets [to] the Super Bowl”? You be the judge. If you’re looking to help the next generation of fans, a12-year-old “huge” Colts fan “wants2go2superbowl” since he’s worked hard and “gotten good grades.” (Be forewarned that he’ll need a second ducat for his mom, who must come “for supervioson,” and perhaps for spelling help.) A slew of posters try to establish their bona fides as loyal supporters of either the Bears or Colts, hoping that other fans with extra tickets might give them a price break while ensuring that the seats don’t end up in the grubby hands of a scalper. Then there’s one poster who, curiously, lists himself (or herself) as a “DIE hard Colts & Bears fan.” Way to play to both sides of the aisle.

7. Sign of the times: The Super Bowl itself will only last about 3 1/2 hours, but a piece of signed memorabilia is forever. At least that seems to be the thinking behind those fishing for tickets with collectibles as bait. One poster is offering a signed Walter Payton helmet in exchange for two tickets, though he rather crassly hypes his product’s value by adding about the late Sweetness: “HE CANT SIGN ANYMORE.” Another poster is offering a Payton-signed game jersey for either two prime seats or four in the upper level. Still another offers your pick of a Payton-signed football, a Brian Urlacher-signed mini-helmet or a Michael Jordan-signed rookie jersey. If you prefer psychedelia to pigskin, perhaps you’d unload your two tickets for a signed lithograph by the Grateful Dead’s late lead singer, Jerry Garcia, which was supposedly appraised at $7,000. The seller will also toss in some old backstage passes from 1995 in case you own a time machine.

8. Tickets for tickets: Some are looking to swap somebody’s bird in the hand — as long as the bird is Super Bowl tickets — for many more in the bush. Two Bears fans and one Colts supporter are offering their season tickets for the entire 2007 season in exchange for Super Bowl seats. One curious offer, perhaps from someone who has misjudged the type of people selling Super Bowl tickets, wants to swap four tickets to The Oprah Winfrey Show for two seats to the big game. One poster who already has a pair of (lower level) Super Bowl seats, though, is looking to drive a much harder bargain. He/she wants to trade the two seats for permanent rights to a pair of Cubs season tickets. And hey, only respond if you’re serious, because “it’s not very hard to find out if you actually own the seats you’re offering and the language in the contract will ensure extreme financial penalties should you back out of the agreement at any time.” Easy, counselor.

9. Location, location, location: Maybe what you really want is to get away for longer than just a weekend in Miami. How about trading two seats for a week in a condo in Hawaii (with airfare) or at a timeshare in the Caribbean? Maybe winter sports are more your speed. Then turn those seats into a rent-free week at a “$2 million condo” in Aspen or a ski lodge near Deer Valley, Utah. Hey, you can see the game just as well on TV anyway.

10. When all else fails, go for shock value: Perhaps the most eye-catching, if groan-inducing, headline is, “My right nut for Superbowl tickets.” Now that he (and we hope it’s a he) has your attention, he goes on to say, “You don’t really want to take it, but I can’t miss this game.” Hey, if I had some extra seats, I would definitely help this earnest fellow. And I wouldn’t charge him more than, oh, four or five times face.

My Box in a Box…

Ms Clinton Sings…

The Paris Hilton Storage Locker

Remember that storage unit that Paris Hilton had way back? She didn’t pay the bill, yadda yadda wonk eye yadda. Anyway, that is not as nearly as interesting or entertaining as what was in the storage unit. Let’s run down the list:

* Prescription bottles of the painkiller Hydrocodone
* Valtrex herpes medication
* Sleep aid Ambien
* A medical bill from a Los Angeles clinic, billing an “Amber Taylor” (same birth date as Paris) for a miscarriage in March 2003
* A journal of her alcohol-induced dreams
* Nicole Richie’s University of Arizona ID card
* Nicky Hilton’s Nevada marriage certificate
* Several bank statements, including one with an monthly balance of $9.26

The list speaks for itself. Paris Hilton is a troglodyte with not one drop of talent, class, or intelligence. Though it seems she has a few drops of STDs and sperm. This is why modern science is fucking horrible, if this was the dark ages the body of Paris Hilton would have already rotted through from letting horses, sheep, and the local mob give her a good rogering. Plus, we probably would have burned her at the steak for being a witch. The only way someone with no talent can get so popular is by being a witch! BURN HER!

Those dark age peoples might have just been pure genius.

One item to share from the booty can be seen below. After seeing that picture I just don’t understand how Mischa Barton can date Cisco Adler and why he would pose nude. Ewwww.