Another Week in Review

Corpse Stalls Traffic on Texas Highway

A corpse caused a traffic jam on a Dallas, Texas highway after it fell off a pickup truck late Tuesday, local media reported.

The body was being transported to a Shreveport, Louisiana funeral home when it fell off the truck and landed in the fast lane, The Dallas Morning News reported Wednesday.

Wrapped in a sheet and still strapped to a gurney, the body looked like a large white parcel from afar, Mary Ellen Douglas told the paper.

But as she switched lanes to avoid the gurney, Douglas said she spotted feet sticking out from the sheets.

“I didn’t think it was possible for that to happen,” Douglas said. “I wanted to get out of there. It was too freaky for me.”

It took a while for the driver to notice the body was missing, police said. Eventually he saw that the back door of his truck was open so he pulled over to check on his cargo. When he realized the body was missing he turned around and searched along the highway until he found it.

Noon-hour drivers managed to swerve to avoid the body and the driver was able to retrieve it intact.

Russian Police Find Mummified Family

Russian police who smelt something amiss when the owners of a Moscow apartment failed to pay their bills found four mummified corpses and a fridge full of out-of-date food, the prosecutor’s office said Wednesday.

Investigators established that the bodies were those of four family members, who died at intervals over a five-year period, prosecutor’s spokesman Sergei Marchenko said.

The first of the four deaths, around five years ago, was that of a man born in 1912.

His death was followed by that of his wife, born in 1914, their daughter, born in 1942, and their granddaughter, born in 1971.

“The initial results of our investigations show that all the people died at different times over a five-year period,” Marchenko was quoted by Interfax as saying.

A murder investigation has been opened in relation to the find, he said.

While the precise time of the last death has not been established, food in the apartment’s fridge dated from 2003, he added.

The investigators also found a large amount of religious literature.

Report: Hong Kongers Don’t Know What to Do in Bed

Hong Kongers usually rank near-bottom of the international list of lovers and a social worker may have discovered why: they don’t know what to do between the sheets.

Grace Wong of the southern Chinese territory’s Family Planning Association said the number of inquiries at her agency rocketed 50 percent last year, with many clients claiming to have no idea how to have sex.

“Some married couples are not familiar with their body parts,” Wong was quoted as telling the Sunday Morning Post. “They don’t know where their sex organs are.

“They don’t know the physical changes associated with sexual response, like males getting an erection,” she added.

Regular international surveys by condom manufacturers have found the city is less than amorous. Durex’s last poll found Hong Kongers get it together 79 times a year, while the French manage it the most, at 137 times.

Another poll even suggested Hong Kong men prefer to go to work rather than have sex.

The frenetic work ethic in the former British colony is usually blamed for interfering with the course of nature.

But the paper said sociologists believe Chinese sensibilities, which deem discussion of sex even in school as taboo, are responsible.


Man’s finger just makes the train

A German man’s severed finger traveled 60 kilometers by rail after its owner trapped his hand in the door trying to board a train at the last minute, police said Tuesday.Passengers traveling from Freiburg to Cologne Sunday noticed the finger lying on the carriage floor and alerted police.Officers collected it at the next station.

Doctors said they were confident they could reattach the finger to its 34-year-old owner after it was rushed back to Freiburg in an ambulance.

HOT PRODUCT ALERT – if your a kid

I first ran across the folks at the Simtec Company when I saw some movers attempting to get a large table into a place I was working. They were using something called “EZ “Moves Furniture Slides so they basically didn’t have to lift the heavy desk into place.

I was amazed, but then simple things that involve no lifting always amaze me…

Now these fine folks have created every parents nightmare FUNSLIDES CARPET SKATES.

Gee the same material that will allow you to scoot a heavy object with ease , when strapped to your feet, well, its INDOOR ICE SKATING AT GRAMMAS HOUSE…yippee….

Of course what would carpet skates be without CARPET PUCK, yes your kids can and will create an entire NHL ARENA right in the comfort of their parents living room…..whoohoo….

Ok, I admit it, if I was a kid, I WOULD BE BEGGING FOR THIS $20.00 gems till I couldn’t breath any more….FRICKIN MIRACLES ON ICE…

WELL, I am older and I do have a vision, lets say we unleash these babies on, Westfield Shopping Town, you know those Austrailian shopping mall thugs who seem to buy up every mall in America and make it a clone of itself…see they all have a ton of carpet, why take a chance it hitting a lamp when the WHOLE MALL is clear past the blue line….YESSSSSS….

It’s just a thought, I could be wrong…

Woman sues Denny’s over toilet burn

It’s seems there are problems over at”THE OFFICIAL HOME Of BOWLING”, I know your thinking it was THE BOWLING ALLEY perhaps, but nope IT’S DENNYS…

A Kansas woman has filed a lawsuit seeking damages for severe burns on her BUTT caused by chemicals used to clean a toilet at a Denny’s EATERY.

Kathleen Williams’ suit names Denny’s Corp. and Jomar Investments LLC, owner of the St. Louis-area Denny’s where she was “injured”.

Williams claims she did not see the chemicals but felt them as soon as she sat down. Pedro Irigonegaray, her lawyer, said that she had to be hospitalized immediately and suffered permanent injuries.

Have you had “the meat lovers breakfast” there?, HELLO!!! the exact same thing happens to me about 2 hours after I eat one of those babies, the only difference is IM AT HOME…

“Sadly, as a result of the chemical injury, nerves were injured that create a sensation of pain 24 hours a day,” Irigonegaray told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
PROBABLY SIMILAR TO THE THE ISSUES SUFFERED BY EVERYONE WHOS EVER EATEN A GRAND SLAM THERE…

I’m for one shocked, that after eatting there someone would experience the feeling of FIRE in their ASS upon completion of a trip to the official home of bowling or is it boweling?

He said Williams has to take medication for pain and wear special underpants designed for burn victims. INSERT SPECIAL UNDERPANTS JOKE HERE…

The Pope and the Potter

As the latest Harry Potter book shows its little cash cow head the fine folks at Lifesite have decided to make sure you know how the Catholic Church and God’s Rottweiller feel about it.

You might remember when the last book came out Frier Tuck or whatever the Vaticans mouth piece is called said the POPE approved of the Harry Potter series, ooooops…

Witchcraft, hello, I don’t think so pontif.

Anyways a complete look at this can be found here.

The text of 2 letters on the subject can be found below or by clicking on Benny’s name you can see the original documents:

Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Vatican CityMarch 7, 2003

Esteemed and dear Ms. Kuby,

Many thanks for your kind letter of February 20th and the informative book which you sent me in the same mail. It is good, that you enlighten people about Harry Potter, because those are subtle seductions, which act unnoticed and by this deeply distort Christianity in the soul, before it can grow properly.

I would like to suggest that you write to Mr. Peter Fleedwood, (Pontifical Council of Culture, Piazza S. Calisto 16, I00153 Rome) directly and to send him your book.

Sincere Greetings and Blessings,
+ Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger

————————————————————-

Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Vatican CityMay 27, 2003

Esteemed and dear Ms. Kuby,
Somehow your letter got buried in the large pile of name-day , birthday and Easter mail. Finally this pile is taken care of, so that I can gladly allow you to refer to my judgment about Harry Potter.

Sincere Greetings and Blessings,
+ Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger

God Bless you HARRY POTTER….hahahahahahahhaha

McDonalds goes to 4th base

As 30 plus inches of rain falls on INDIA I ponder these thoughts…

McDonalds as you may or may not be aware has outsourced it’s drive-though ordering to INDIA, listen carefully next time you order to the accent, then look at the person who takes your money at the WINDOW, you will see a huge difference trust me…

Then there is the issue of a county that WORSHIPS the cow taking continuous orders to eat it…hummm, to resolve this I have taken to asking the order taker when the last time they had a Big Mac WAS?, it makes me feel better and speaking of Big Mac, there was this issue to consider on your next trip to Ronalds House:

India Call Center Staff in Sex Romp Shocker

According to a report in the India Times, which cites the steamy case of 24-year-old “senior process associate” Mandakini Sandhu and squeeze Ashish Gupta.

India Times explains: “For many employees like Sandhu and Gupta, the office space is not just a professional domain. Instead, it symbolizes one’s personal space, thanks to long hours being spent in office.

From making friends to cultivating relationships, these offices are becoming hubs where inter-personal bonding takes place. And it comes as little surprise that many also give way to their sexual urges in the office space.”

Sandhu apparently spends 12-13 hours a day doing Ronald McDonalds bidding, so her office is “the only place that allows her to snatch a few cozy moments with her boyfriend”. She elaborates: “For us, the office is practically everything. Weird working hours means that most friendships happen usually within the office and in similar working set ups. And in such a situation, intimacy is a foregone conclusion.”

For those who like their details in sort-of plain English, Sandhu admits she has gone to “fourth base” with her hormonally-charged colleague, but claims she has “refrained from having a quickie in the workplace as it’s quite a risky proposition”.

I’m not quite sure what “fourth base” means here, since Indians clearly have a different base system to that understood in the United States of America, But I think that basically the “Special Sauce” option was not put in between the buns… working on a simplified three-base system – understand anything after first base (complete failure to place an order) and 3rd being the actual “event” of delivering the “meal” to the counter…4th base would probably involve something seen only in Swedish DVDs and certainly illegal in the United States.

Why am I discussing this you may be asking yourself?, because it’s raining in India and I don’t wanna go outside or, THE NEXT TIME YOUR AT THE DRIVE THROUGH AT MCDONALDS. VISUALIZE YOUR HARD WORKING ORDER TAKER, cause theres a good chance they are getting it on while taking your order….or so I hear…

Please enjoy the coupon below as my gift to you my dear reader.

Cave Woman Pleasure Party

So these cave women are sitting around at the prehistoric PLEASURE party, when Wilma turns to Betty and says, ” this gem is twice the size I’m used to ” Betty in turn suggests its “taller” than Barney…

Ok so maybe not but the 20cm-long, 3cm-wide stone object, which is dated to be about 28,000 years old, was buried in the famous Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm in the Swabian Jura.

The prehistoric “tool” was reassembled from 14 fragments of siltstone.

Its life size suggests it may well have been used as a sex aid by its Ice Age makers, scientists report.

“In addition to being a symbolic representation of male genitalia, it was also at times used for knapping flints,” explained Professor Nicholas Conard, from the department of Early Prehistory and Quaternary Ecology, at Tübingen University. (FUNNY, I DO THE SAME THING WITH MINE…)

Researchers believe the object’s distinctive form and etched rings around one end mean there can be little doubt as to its symbolic nature.

“It’s highly polished, it’s clearly recognizable,” said Professor Conard.

The Tübingen team working Hohle Fels already had 13 fractured parts of the phallus in storage, but it was only with the discovery of a 14th fragment last year that the team was able finally to put the “jigsaw” together.

The different stone sections were all recovered from a well-dated ash layer in the cave complex associated with the activities of modern humans (not their pre-historic “cousins”, the Neanderthals).

Hooters Girl Reunion 2005

Its time for the annual Hooter Girls Convention, seen here is 83 year old Mary Lou Johnston of St Louis, she would be the oldest living waitress ever employed by the national eatery.

” I’m just happy I can still get into my outfit and my teeth are real ” said Mary Lou when interviewed during the weekend’s festivities…

Cough, ya Mary Lou we are all happy MOST of you is fitting inside your outfit…

Mary Lou it seems is a tad more liberal than most of the residents at her live-in care facility, once a month she teaches POLE DANCING for seniors….can you say hip replacement?

Banksy is BACK

Yes thats right, Old Banksy did it again, this time the mark was the British Museum. Mr B placed a fake prehistoric rock depicted a caveman pushing a shopping cart. It was on display in the British Museum for three days before being detected.

The British Museum has now loaned the rock art back to Banksy who is displaying it at his own show in London. But they hope to get it back eventually.

Ms Wheelchair America Crowned under cloud of …HEY I CAN WALK…so what…

HELLO, I guess we were all sleeping through this nightmare…

It seems Ms Wheeelchair America/Wisconson was crowned and then stripped of her title because she was photographed standing UP.

Daneal Lee has MD and uses a chair to get around… sometimes!

Duh!

How can someone who can stand adequately represent an organization called Ms. Wheelchair America?

The mission of the Ms. Wheelchair America program, according to their Web site, is to promote awareness of the need for equality.

Ms. Wheelchair America has many responsibilities, including traveling, visiting advocacy groups, making public appearances and conducting interviews.

She must raise awareness of the need to eliminate architectural and attitudinal barriers, informing the able-bodied public of achievements of disabled people across the nation.

How can Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin, who is a candidate for Ms. Wheelchair America, inform the able-bodied public of the needs of the disabled when she is able-bodied herself?

GUESS WHAT, SHE CAN”T …

She could be say MS “I CAN PARK IN A HANDICAPPED SPOT” AMERICA however…

Anyway with this goofball out of the way, last night Rhode Islands Kristen Connors was named Ms. Wheelchair America, capping months of fighting over the pageant’s qualifying process that divided the disabled community.

What the heck is divding these people, your in a chair your not in a chair….hello!!!!!

And guess what is coming now?, yep Ms International Wheelchair….WHOO HOOO

Check out the PHOTO, is it just me or is her CROWN COCKEYED?

If you wanna entertain yourself more, here is the text of the press release on the subject….

Ms. Wheelchair America comment on Former Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin 2005

The Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin organization, a member of the Ms. Wheelchair America organization, has asked Ms. Janeal Lee to step down as its state representative because she did not meet eligibility requirements and did not follow the contractual obligations of a state titleholder. She was not asked to step down because she is “not disabled enough,” as she has stated in numerous media interviews.

Ms. Wheelchair America has held state pageants since April 2004 to select women who will participate in the 2006 Ms. Wheelchair America Pageant, held July 19-24, 2005 in Albany, NY. For all of these pageants, we have used the same requirements, requirements which Ms. Lee agreed to when she signed a contract. It is imperative that we follow the same requirements consistently for all the state pageants in order to choose MWA 2006.

Each state member of the Ms. Wheelchair America organization runs its own pageant. The national organization is not funded on the level of Miss America, Miss Universe or other famous pageants, but it strives to support the hardworking, dedicated volunteers, and most importantly the contestants, who make the state pageants possible.

We recognize that Ms. Lee is an advocate for people with disabilities in her community. We regret that Ms. Lee feels she was led to believe she was eligible to compete when in fact she was not. For better or worse, the founders of this pageant included a rule, which is stated in the national and Wisconsin guidelines, that the winner must appear in her wheelchair or scooter when in public. While we feel for Ms. Lee, and understand the concern that many have shared with us, a rule is a rule in any contest. It is up to the administrators of that contest to enforce the rules as they see fit. That is what the Wisconsin officials did. We, at the national level, do not see a reason to challenge that state pageant.

Since 1973, Ms. Wheelchair America has worked to spotlight the accomplishments of women who use wheelchairs. The mission of the national program is to provide a platform for women who use wheelchairs to advocate for people with disabilities. To participate in the Ms. Wheelchair America program, women must be 21-60 years old and use a wheelchair for daily community mobility. Marital status is not a consideration and it is not a beauty pageant. Contestants are judged on accomplishments and advocacy efforts, self-perception, personal interviews, platform speech presentations, and on-stage interviews.

Face Painter in trouble with "THE MAN"

Meet this weeks favorite MORON Patrick Tribett. The PAT was nabbed thursday morning by “THE MAN” for “abusing harmful intoxicants” as he attempted to make a purchase at Bellaire’s Dollar General Store.

The 41-year-old Tribett, it seems, had been huffing spray paint and needed a refill or was attempting to turn himself into an OSCAR statue. According to a Bellaire Police Department report, Tribett’s pupils were constricted and he replied slowly to their questions. Oh, and “officers observed the paint on face and hands.”

Tribett was previously photographed by the county for assault, domestic violence, and inhaling harmful intoxicants, I’m not sure about the first two , but I’m feeling this is a second trip to the paint store on the third one…

If your currently looking for house painter who uses a “tagging type method” to his maddness he can be found in the Belmont County Sheriff’s Office lockup.